i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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