I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
