Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
