I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
