Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
