I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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