So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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