I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
