Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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