Im at strip club and am horny
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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