When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Define "chronic" masturbator.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
