Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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