mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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