Do you still have your period?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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