Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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