I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
