So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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