i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
