He disabled his match.com account in front of me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
