Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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