i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
