Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
