I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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