Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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