You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
