I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
