Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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