this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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