I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's never too late to be topless.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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