trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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