He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There's always time for handjobs
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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