holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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