Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
