remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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