in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
