just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
