my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
