So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
