he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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