i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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