I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
