I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
