Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
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Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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