the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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