Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
