if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
