i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
