Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
