highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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