Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
