Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
