i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
