i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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