I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
