i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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