when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
