you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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