She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
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My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
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Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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