Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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