I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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