tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
