dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
