The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
