I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
